Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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