I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
