I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My breath smells like gin and sadness
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
