3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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