I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
And then he peed in my hair
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