and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
