Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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