I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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