I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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