Michael Bay diarrhea
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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