I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
