God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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