i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
