You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
