Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
