You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
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