I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
