the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
