i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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