how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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