Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
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You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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