you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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