OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
