She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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