he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
