i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
