I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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