I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
