My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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