Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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