I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
