Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
