We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
