You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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