M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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