I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
