I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
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And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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