If i come over, it means nothing
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I have fence marks all over my body
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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