worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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