He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
