I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
