I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
