my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
