just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm like, not good at living.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
