It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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