you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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