Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
