Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
