Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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