i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
