I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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