Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
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Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
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Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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