I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.