You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
