did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
