he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
